Since I've been online, I've made a number of friends. Most of them come and go, and a few stick around. That's expected. One of the strangest things on the net, however, is how quickly two people can get personal and tell you about things they normally wouldn't in such a short amount of time. It's as if some people want a faceless confessor; someone who can know your thoughts without any real interaction or consequences taking place. It feels safe. And here I've given people crap about not getting personal--and keeping people at an arm's length. Well, it depends upon what you're looking for, but I'm going to explore this a little.
Over the past couple of months, I haven't had much to do because I'm currently jobless. I don't go out much because all of my friends are married, some with children, some not. So while I was working, I never really went out during the week, but waited until the weekend when my friends had time to have a few drinks and some laughs. Well, no job now. All of my ex co-workers are doing other things, and since I don't have much money to play with--and I haven't had much for a while--I don't really get out at all anymore.
Because of this I'm seeking psuedo-friendships elsewhere--i.e. online friendships. And I'm beginning to think I'm doing this for the exact reasons I have criticized others. It's easier and emotionally safer. But it certainly isn't as fulfilling as being able to reach across a table and shake someone's hand, see a smile, hear a laugh, clap someone on the back, wink, share a game of pool--or whatever.
This chica contacted me a few weeks ago on POF, IM'ng me every now and then, telling me a bit of her life story, but mostly just shooting the shit. Her story is pretty damn sad, and I'm not going to get into it because it's not my story to tell. Anyways, during one of our IM sessions, she got pretty upset, gave me her number, and asked me to call. So I did--because I already knew what she was going through, didn't give her any crap about any of it, and knew that she had to talk to somebody about it. (Yes, Sarah, I'm sure you find that difficult to believe that I didn't give her crap. ;) We talked for close to five hours two nights ago and she told me pretty much her entire life story, and her life has been pretty fucked up for more than 50% of it. The thing is, she isn't fucked up. Her situation was. She handled it better than I ever would have if put into that position. I did a fair job of putting everything into perspective for her, and letting her know that she is indeed okay--a hell of a lot healthier than most people who had never been through what she had been through. But again, it comes back to this: she had to feel safe in order to tell me these things; and online friendships are anything but safe on an emotional level. They aren't as personal, even though you might discuss personal subjects. I think they can be quite dangerous because you should save these types of things for real friends who can give you real comfort right then and there. You have history, comraderie, a better understanding of each other. Trust. And you know they have your best interests in mind. Do online friends? Crap. If she had known me in person, it would've been months before she told me about all the important things that have happened in her life. It's just plain weird. Why trust the faceless?
I said some good things to her. I think I helped. But what happens if she starts leaning on me, when she should be leaning on someone else? What happens if I start leaning on my online friends more (and I might already be doing this) for social interaction since I haven't had a whole lot of interaction face to face since I was laid off? None of this is healthy. It's not terrible either. It's like iceberg lettuce. It's neutral. And you can't live on iceberg lettuce, and this is why having these online friendships is dangerous. You will begin to feel a sense of lack, that something is missed and missing. I really need to re-think what I'm doing and why I'm doing it--and possibly what I'm avoiding. Many of these relationships (friendships or romantic interests) I've had since I've been online lack the kind of meaning a person needs.
All of us deserve more than what online friendships offer.
Or maybe I'm over-analyzing and I need to find cheap ways of getting out and doing things with people I can interact with in person. What a fucking concept. I guess those mental gymnastics were all for-fucking-naught.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
it's not that you deserve more than an online relationship can give, it's that you deserve DIFFERENTLY. You don't develop a false sense of intimacy, you just develop it so much more quickly. And, I guess, that self-same sense of intimacy can trick you into believing in something that isn't quite there.
But.
You're a grown-up, and one would expect that you've enough sense to take a step back from your online-relationships....but perhaps one is expecting too much?
"You don't develop a false sense of intimacy, you just develop it so much more quickly."--And I was saying that many of the people I talk to online do, too. And I've only done this twice. Not bad considering all the people I've talked to. Out of eight years of being on this weird thing called the net, I've only been interested in two women romantically. And the two women I did develop feelings for--I met. Mostly, however, I was talking about friendships, not romantic interests.
"You're a grown up"--the adult, who feels she's actually talking to a child, says.
"one would expect that you've enough sense to take a step back from your online-relationships."--Um. Huh. Thought I just did.
Yup. One is expecting too much. That was actually the point of the blog.
And no, your comment was not what ticked me off. This was just a minor annoyance.
I should have been more clear. I wasn't referring to the specific You, but the general you...i.e. one.
Sorry I wasn't more clear.
Didn't intend to offend. And yeah, i know you said it didn't...but it's still offensive, whether you were offended or not. And I apologize for that.
Post a Comment