I'm a Weirdo

I'm probably the strangest person I know. Isn't that sad? I can switch from being coldly logical to a pure romantic in such a short time. Talking to me is a complete pain in the ass. My conversation is fragmented. I switch from subject to subject without any semblance of continuity. If someone is first getting to know me, then I appear intense, so intense that most people don't know what to make of me at all. Isn't that a shame? It is for me. Once you know me, then you'll know how quickly I can get upset and how quickly I can come down, laugh, and then be light-hearted again. But it takes time to understand that. My friends and family understand it, even my young nephew and niece. Hell, now that I think about it, children understand me pretty well. Maybe I act like a kid too much. ; People know when I'm unhappy, excited, embarrassed, nervous, whatever emotion I feel. I hide nothing. And man, I gotta tell ya', that scares the crap out of people. I'm an adult who has no fear of saying, "This is how I feel and I don't care who knows it." Most people have no idea how to deal with it. That doesn't mean I'm rude. As far as I know I'm never rude or mean to anyone. That in itself causes even more confusion. What am I trying to say? I guess I'm saying it's difficult for people to get to know me. But it's not--if people would stop looking for me to have some alterior motive. I don't have any. I just express how I feel. No games, no chess playing as if I'm showing emotion or logically arguing something just to gain an upper hand. I don't care about that. I don't even know if I have a point to this. I'm just writing. No point really. I just want to get to know other people and want them to get to know me. If you don't express how you feel and what you think, then how is this ever done? I guess people put too much emphasis on consistency, thinking that because you've acted or said this or that, then you must obviously act or say this or that in the future--as if you have an agenda on life. Well, I don't have one. I don't pretend to. I take it as it comes. And for that, I seem inconsistent, erratic, confused, devoid of grounding, and too damn human. But all I do is express myself, in the moment, at one point in time, trying to experience THAT moment, because once it's gone, it's gone for good. Dammit! I will feel it. I will think about the moment. Because tomorrow, thoughts and feelings will change as you gain perspective. But if you're always looking for perspective, waiting for that moment when you are calm and reflective, then you have lost so much of the experience of life. And yet, I'm surrounded by those who are too concerned of what others think--this calm and reflective thought of "What will others think of me?" That's a shame. How much of yourself do you lose every time you think that?